


who i am hates who i've been.

by starryminho



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, minsung - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:35:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22951894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryminho/pseuds/starryminho
Summary: he never realized how much he needed him until he no longer had him.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	who i am hates who i've been.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so uh hi some parts might seem rushed and awkwardly written and it's bc i wrote this while high on my cold medicine and got too lazy to fix it so pls forgive me thx

minho always knew what he was doing in the past. he knew it was terrible, but in a way he loved it. he love the control he felt, the power; god, he felt so powerful, and it felt so good. 

until it didn't. 

at first, he didn't think it was love. he just thought of it as a way to finally be in control of something. 

he didn't see him as a lover, but merely a toy to help him let out all his anger. 

until he left. 

when jisung left, so did all the power and control minho felt, along with all the previous feelings he thought he had about the boy. when he left, minho felt empty; numb. he thought about all the things he had done to him, and suddenly he got sick at the fact that he used to enjoy it. 

why did it take him so long to realize that it wasn't the power he was in with - it was jisung. 

he didn't ever know just how much he needed the boy until he was no longer there. 

it's been weeks, and minho has not been able to stop thinking about every little thing he's done wrong. he never cries, but jisung made him cry. every single night, he laid in his room, crying as he regretted the things he did, wishing he could just have jisung back. 

he took him and everything he did for granted, he never appreciated the meals he made for him, or the way he'd always clean the house. he didn't ever appreciate the way he loved him unconditionally, even though all he got in return was pain and hurt. 

minho wanted jisung back, he wanted him so bad. he wanted to apologize for everything he had done, and tell him that he's changed. but he hasn't. though he knows his wrong doings now, he hasn't completely changed; and before he sees jisung again, he has to. he doesn't want to hurt him the way he did before. no, this time, he wants to love jisung the way he deserves to be loved. 

that's why he's been working his hardest to change, all for jisung. he's been doing everything he could; going to therapy, anger management, he's even been doing yoga - though he isn't 100% sure what good that is to him, it does help him relax. 

after months of this, months of hard work, he finally feels like he's changed. he feels ready to see jisung, to finally tell him everything he couldn't. so here he was, standing right outside jisung's door, hands shaking from a mixture of nervousness and the low temperature outside. 

so many thoughts were running through his head – what if jisung didn't want him anymore? what if he doesn't believe him when he tells him that he's changed? what if he's already moved on? he's absolutely terrified of finding out the answers, and part of him wants to turn back so he doesn't have to. but he knows he shouldn't. if he can't get jisung back, then at the very least he wants to be able to apologize to him. 

after a few minutes of contemplation, he finally gives a hesitant knock on the door. at first he thought he wasn't home, as a minute or two went by since he knocked; and he was far too scared to knock again, so he was just about ready to leave. 

until the door opened quickly. 

and there, in front of him, stood han jisung, the man he's been working so hard to change for. he almost smiled when he saw him, but didn't seem to even have time to. the door had shut just as fast as it opened. 

"jisung–" minho called his name, hoping the other was still on the opposite side of the door. to his relief, he got a reply, "what the fuck do you want, minho?"

his words sounded aggressive, but his voice sounded… scared? jisung was scared. 

minho brushed his fingers through his hair, letting out a small sigh, "i… i don't even know, i'm sorry.. i'll go." he'd turned around, already walking away when the door opened again. he stopped walking, but didn't turn back. 

"you're here for a reason.. and i'm willing to let you explain, so hurry and explain before i change my mind."

he already sounded like he was crying, and that made minho's heart twist in pain. did seeing him again really hurt him that much? 

it took a few moments for minho to gather his thoughts, try to figure how to word what he wanted to say. he could hear jisung's impatient foot tapping, but as soon as he turned around it stopped. he used to hate the way jisung tapped his foot, maybe he stopped because he was scared minho would snap at him like he used to. but he did the opposite, and it confused jisung greatly. 

minho smiled – a real, genuine smile – before speaking, "i've missed you, jisung."

minho expected jisung's reaction, but was still hurt nonetheless when he saw the boy roll his eyes. 

"you have no reason to miss me." his words came out bitter, and he sounded less afraid than he did before. without saying anything else, he went to shut the door again. only to have it stopped by minho putting his hand in the way and blurting out, "i've changed!"

that, now that stopped jisung from trying to carry on with his previous action. stopped him from doing anything but staring in shock. neither spoke for a few seconds until jisung finally snapped out of it, nodding at minho to continue. 

"i.. god, where do i even begin… after you left me, i began to realize the kind of.. monster, that i was… when we were together, jisung, i didn't ever realize how much i loved or needed you, until it was too late and you were already gone. i hurt you in so many different ways, and all the power i felt in that blinded me from seeing how i really felt. i loved you so much, jisung, and i'm sorry i never showed it. i don't want to person that i was – god, i fucking hate who i was.

"i've been doing things to help me become a better person, to help me change. and i did all of it for you – because i still love you, jisung," minho tried to reach forward to grab his hand, but immediately pulled back when he saw how jisung flinched away from him. 

jisung was quiet for a while, and minho was starting to think he wouldn't ever reply. but when he finally did, he wished he didn't. 

"i've moved on."

those words broke minho's heart and brought tears to his eyes. of course he's moved on, it's been almost a whole year. he should have expected this. 

still, he gave a pained smile, shoving his hands in his pockets, "i see… well then, i'm happy for you. i should get going now." minho turned, ready to leave for the umpteenth time, only to be stopped again – this time by a hand on his shoulder. 

"i mean– i tried to.. i've been seeing someone, but i was planning on ending things, because i don't love them," jisung paused, chewing on his bottom lip as he looked up at minho and mumbled the last part. "it's hard to try and love someone else when i'm still in love with you."

those words were like music to minho's ears. of course it upset him a bit that someone else got to love jisung, to touch him. but that doesn't matter, because they're not the one he loves – it's him. 

no matter how ecstatic minho was, he couldn't help but also be a bit confused. 

"i hurt you so much, yet you still love me.. why?"

jisung let out a bitter laugh, letting his hand fall off of minho's shoulder and back to his side, "i've been asking myself that every day.." his expression became serious as he stared at jisung with those big doe eyes. minho could see a mixture between pain and hope in them. "have you really changed, minho..?"

"i have.. i've become a better person, the person you deserve. and i'm ready to give you the love and happiness that you deserve– that is, if you're willing to give me another chance."

jisung looked hesitant, and minho understood why. his abusive ex just showed up at his door asking for another chance, why wouldn't he be hesitant? it took jisung another long while before he finally replied again. only this time, it wasn't with words. 

he had leaned up, pressing his lips against minho's, and of course minho wasted no time in kissing him back. the kiss was filled with so many emotions; relief, regret, happiness, pain. it was by far their most intimate kiss ever, and neither of them wanted it to end. unfortunately, they needed breath. 

reluctantly, minho pulled back, panting slightly as he stared into jisung's bright, beautiful eyes. there was still just a hint of fear in them, but more than anything, there was happiness, and minho couldn't help but to smile seeing that. 

jisung had pulled him inside now, the cold weather outside getting to be too much for his bare arms. and as soon as the door was shut behind them, jisung's arms went straight around minho's waist. 

"please don't hurt me again.."

the words came out small and broken, so quiet that minho could barely hear them. but he caught them, instantly holding jisung just a little tighter. "never in a million years.. this time, i'll give you the love you deserve."

he truly regretted everything he did in the past, and he really was a changed man. and he was willing to work so hard to prove that to jisung. he wouldn't let himself become the person he used to be. 

he had his jisungie back, and he was going to work hard to keep him this time around.


End file.
